Strange Search Terms

If I ever need a good laugh, I click on my blog stats and check out the search terms that people typed in to get to my website. This is a nice WordPress feature. Most of the search terms are pretty relevant, but some are just tad off-center. So I thought I would take a moment to reply to these kind souls who have landed on my website based on these search terms that they entered, because I feel like everyone who visits my site is a friend, and I want make sure that I meet your needs too.

egg fried rice secret smell: There should be no secret smell to your fried rice. Maybe you’re using rotten eggs? Dishes that you serve really shouldn’t have secret smells. Thats gross.

sperm weird, cod sperm sushi, frog sperm appetizer, fish sperm soup, sperm eat japanese: Apparently i am the authority on all things sperm food. Is this my calling? Should I publish a cookbook, “Sperm…the other white meat”

burger shrink: Thank you, but my hamburgers are emotionally just fine. No shrink needed.

jaden breast: Yes, I know. Thanks for the reminder. I need new boobs. They sag. Yours would too if you had 2 babies in 17 months suck the living daylights out of you.

can’t read directions on frozen steamed: Um….I just don’t know how to handle your request. Have you tried new glasses? Are you instructionally challenged?

horrid chinese chicken: Most Chinese chickens are pretty nice. Sometimes if you get a mother hen who enjoys nagging and bossing chicks around, then yes, then she might be a little horrid. But its nothing that a bottle of gin can’t handle. Thats how the Chinese came to invent the dish, Drunken Chicken.

white stuff that goes out of salmon: I don’t know if this should go under the sperm-related foods category. Maybe the salmon has some sort of chicken pox? Bad case of acne? My advice, if your salmon is pussing, don’t eat it. But how you landed on my site is a mystery. I’ve never written a recipe for diseased salmon.

chinese chicken cancer: Is this like the Beijing Bird Flu? Symptoms of the Chinese Chicken Cancer are: sudden uncontrollable urge to peck at your computer screen, hair falling out in clumps leaving you with a mohawk “comb”, strange feeling of wanting to sit on your computer mouse to keep it warm, and lastly, you wake up at crack of dawn and scare the shit out of your mate by screeching “BAAAAKKKAAAACCCCKKKKKK!!!!!” You need help.

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Comments 22

  1. cindy

    this was funny! it’s interesting to see what computers pick up on the words only. i have found some strange things that way! but also good things that were totally unrelated to what i was searching for.

  2. tigerfish

    Strange but sure funny!
    I think you are the authority of all things “Sp”
    Spam and Sperm-is there something called spam sperm? *lol*
    What a way to have a good laugh to the weekend πŸ˜€

  3. SteamyKitchen

    Cindy-well I hope that the person who entered Chinese Chicken Cancer found some good recipes to cure his disease.

    Tigerfish-shall we start a band called Spam ‘n Sperm?! I do wish that we lived next door to you. I bet 5 years ago when I lived in SF (Sunnyside area, by the Mission) we would have been pretty good foodie buddies!

    Trupti & Lata – thank you!!!!

    WC- shit. you’re right I’d better start talking about housecleaning, laundry and stuff. wait. that might turn them on even more.

  4. LunaPierCook

    For myself, as my first wife had me convinced I didn’t know a thing about cooking … now, whenever Mary goes ga-ga over one of my new creations in the kitchen … [austin_powers] oh, YEAH, bay-bee! πŸ˜€

  5. Ellie

    HAH! Reading this post was the best laugh I’ve had all week! Isn’t it strange what kind of requests bring people to your blogs?

  6. Dr. Biggles

    Went and looked at a few of mines. We have 13 searches for smokey robinson eyes. That’s kinda interesting.

    I wonder what I’ll get with ol’ Dwight up there now?


  7. Kate

    I absolutely love your blog!! This made me laugh so hard that my eyes got all squinty, I couldn’t see the screen, and my laugh started to sound like a (horrid?) Chinese chicken…thank you for making my day!! πŸ™‚ – Kate

  8. SteamyKitchen

    Ellie- yeah totally! who knew people were concerned about horrid chickens?

    Dr.B- you’ll prob get “Dwight bites”

    Kate- thank you! you’ll have to record your horrid chicken laugh and make it your ringtone on your phone.

  9. Lynn

    Oh, thank you for that morning laugh! I’ve had 4 children suck the living daylights out of me, so I know what you mean. Your children are so blessed to have such a funny and talented mother.

  10. ann

    that’s my favorite wordpress feature too! I get a lot of queries about bloating in goats, killing people with poison, what puppies should and should not eat, and oddly enough, queries as to how much Tyler Florence weighs.

    people sure are an inquisitive species πŸ˜‰

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  13. recipesacquaintancescom

    I like to try out different kinds of recipes .Could anyone suggest
    Some tasty and easy to make gourmet recipes .

  14. Samantha

    I actually know what the person searching for white stuff that goes out of salmon was talking about. It is called albumen, and when you slightly overcook a salmon fillet it starts to rise to the surface of the salmon. Just salmon fat really

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