The Hotness Will Blind You

Jaden and Jay

My brother, Jay, and I look nothing alike. And the truth is he’s like a perfect blend of Mom and Dad and me? I just look like too many years of mingling bodily fluids with strange people in my younger years, eating too much movie theater popcorn with extra butter butter flavored crisco colored with yellow #10 and way too many scowling facial expressions that accompany phrases like: “huh?” “what?” “seriously?”

No amount of Oil of Olay can ever erase that collection of wrinkles that brand me right smack dab between the eyebrows. And yes, I’ve tried the natural stuff – mushed avocado, almond puree and honey slathered in that area made me look like an elephant threw up on my face. But then I wipe that avocado stuff off and I can’t just get myself to rinse that goopy green down the drain… I JUST SPENT $1.99 ON THAT AVOCADO. It was only on my face for 15 minutes. Then the thought occurs to me that if this stuff is so good for my face, it should be great fertilizer for the tomato plants in the back. So I’m like running outside with a towel under my face because the honey makes the avocado all runny and stuff and start flicking the avocado/almond/honey fertilizer at the tomato plants. In my bathrobe. And then the neighbor kid comes outside, pretends not to see the crazy lady whose face is melting and quickly darts back into his house.

Huh? Really? Seriously?

The Hotness Lens

Thank goodness for Diane, who makes me look seriously good. She’s got this special thing called the “Hotness and Anti-Hangover Filter” on her camera lens. Every single shot she takes of me turns out pretty damn amazing.

If I could afford to hire Diane full-time, I’d velcro her right to my left hip and make her take photos of me all day long and pretend like I’m some famous person with nothing better to do than strike a pose.

And I’d totally get paid for it.


That photo was taken in Diane’s beautiful garden in Los Angeles. My last trip to LA was a quickie. I got to meet Chef Kerry Simon, Matt of Matt Bites and his huzb, Adam. Here we are, making little shrimp dumpling balls in Diane’s kitchen.

Jaden, Matt, Adam

Diane treated us to a massive feast – Vietnamese Summer Rolls and a Lemongrass Shrimp Noodle Soup.


But wait..the hotness continues…

So last week, I eloped with Diane to Mexico for a week of gluttony. Okay, not really, but huzzie’s beginning to think I’m having an affair with her, but that’s okay because that’s what married couples do for each other to keep that excitement going. You do that too, right?

So when my brother, Diane and I were in Ixtapa, Mexico together a couple of weeks ago for Club Med’s Food and Wine festival, I made her bring her video camera and her Hotness Lens.

During our local market excursion, we brought along all of our gear because I totally believe when in a foreign country, you can never have enough journalistic gear. Bad people tend to stay away from raving lunatics with rolling video cameras.

The consequence of toting so much gear is that we didn’t blend in.

We title this “Pickpocketer’s Delight”

Diane and Jaden

Along the way, Diane spent all her money on expensive tequila and Mexican boyfriends.

We got solicited by a TON of men on the streets – all these guys kept whistlin’ at us yelling, “quieres un novio mexicano, amiga?” Which translates to “beautiful princesses, your supreme hotness and magical aura of sensuality totally overwhelms me.”

And so we thought that was so sweet of them and ended up opening that $600 bottle of 1947 tequila and squatted on the street, took off all our clothes and did shots with them all afternoon. Such nice people.


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Comments 37

  1. Jen Yu

    You made me bust a gut laughing so hard πŸ˜‰ We all know about Diane and her tequila! ha ha ha. Oh, you two are so funny. Diane is a gem and so are you, chica.

  2. H

    Cute brother! Love the picture & the story. That was a great read. You & Diane look really good on pictures.

  3. Andrea

    Ouch! My sides hurt from laughing! You gals crack me, and I’m totally envious of your fantastic trip. Loves the photos and the commentary! πŸ™‚

  4. Chez US - Denise

    I needed that laugh this morning, great piece and I love the photos – makes us all feel like we were there with you squatting on the streets with that bottle of tequila!

  5. astrorainfall

    I laughed out loud at the avocado episode. That was so hilarious. C’mon Jayden, you look great and prob got just as many good genes as your brother.

  6. Mike

    lol, I was laughing the whole way through. And I’m jealous of you and Diane–sounds like an awesome trip.

    Also, [email protected]/pedro’s comment

  7. Stephanie

    Hilarious! I have just recently found you, from Diane’s blog…. I LOVE your humor!

    Wish I could have hung with you guys in Mexico – I am totally ‘down’ for some nekkid te-kill-ya shots in the street! LOL!

  8. Cakebrain

    Where’s this hotness lens? I need it badly. You are positively glowing with radiance in the pictures! Cool! I want this lens. Too bad they can’t make this hotness lens into a huge bubble that you could climb into. Then everybody would see how hot I was too! I could be hot girl in a bubble.

  9. White On Rice Couple

    Jaden, your “smokin’ hotness for goddesses factor” shows through without the help of any tekkie lens! If the darn storm didn’t come in on the last two days, we really could have showed your sizzling side for all the world to see: rolling in the sand beach shots, sippin’ mojitos in your bikini and all those tan Club Med hot throbs….Oh wait!! Pedro?!?! PEDRO?!?!!! How did he find you here?

    J, I SWEAR, I sure as hell didn’t give HIM your blog address! πŸ˜‰

  10. Jen da purse Ho

    What filter is she using on her lens? you guys look awesome! And your brother is a serious cutie pie. He’s single righT? hahaha πŸ™‚

    Glad you guys had a good time. I’m seriously jealous πŸ™‚

  11. rita

    you.are.such.a.nut!!! i loooooooove it! girl, what kind of camera does diane have and how much is that “Hotness and Anti-Hangover Filter”? i want one of those.

    looks like you guys had a really great time. that’s great! by the way, you two are really gorgeous. so, don’t worry about those lines. they add character, as my dear mom used to say (bless her).

  12. Lynn

    Oh, yeah, like you need a hotness lens. Right.

    You shouldn’t loiter in the frozen food aisle because you could melt all that stuff.

  13. MySimpleFood

    The hotness lens…wow! I also need another lens, the ones that will take inches of the side of my body, arms, legs when you click the camera….. πŸ™‚

    You 2 gals look fantastic!!

  14. Big Boys Oven

    I just bought two dozen avocados to preach my youthfulness based on your remey recommendation, (hell! make sure it works) will reuse them to fertilize my herbs garden. lol! sure it must work, . . . . Jaden did it! wow did I hear you mention Mexican men! . . . .. wow I like where Diane hides her microphone receiver!

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