The Hotness Will Blind You

My brother, Jay, and I look nothing alike. And the truth is he’s like a perfect blend of Mom and Dad and me? I just look like too many years of mingling bodily fluids with strange people in my younger years, eating too much movie theater popcorn with extra butter butter flavored crisco colored with yellow #10 and way too many scowling facial expressions that accompany phrases like: “huh?” “what?” “seriously?”

No amount of Oil of Olay can ever erase that collection of wrinkles that brand me right smack dab between the eyebrows. And yes, I’ve tried the natural stuff – mushed avocado, almond puree and honey slathered in that area made me look like an elephant threw up on my face. But then I wipe that avocado stuff off and I can’t just get myself to rinse that goopy green down the drain… I JUST SPENT $1.99 ON THAT AVOCADO. It was only on my face for 15 minutes. Then the thought occurs to me that if this stuff is so good for my face, it should be great fertilizer for the tomato plants in the back. So I’m like running outside with a towel under my face because the honey makes the avocado all runny and stuff and start flicking the avocado/almond/honey fertilizer at the tomato plants. In my bathrobe. And then the neighbor kid comes outside, pretends not to see the crazy lady whose face is melting and quickly darts back into his house.

Huh? Really? Seriously?

The Hotness Lens

Thank goodness for Diane, who makes me look seriously good. She’s got this special thing called the “Hotness and Anti-Hangover Filter” on her camera lens. Every single shot she takes of me turns out pretty damn amazing.

If I could afford to hire Diane full-time, I’d velcro her right to my left hip and make her take photos of me all day long and pretend like I’m some famous person with nothing better to do than strike a pose.

And I’d totally get paid for it.

That photo was taken in Diane’s beautiful garden in Los Angeles. My last trip to LA was a quickie. I got to meet Chef Kerry Simon, Matt of Matt Bites and his huzb, Adam. Here we are, making little shrimp dumpling balls in Diane’s kitchen.

Diane treated us to a massive feast – Vietnamese Summer Rolls and a Lemongrass Shrimp Noodle Soup.

But wait..the hotness continues…

So last week, I eloped with Diane to Mexico for a week of gluttony. Okay, not really, but huzzie’s beginning to think I’m having an affair with her, but that’s okay because that’s what married couples do for each other to keep that excitement going. You do that too, right?

So when my brother, Diane and I were in Ixtapa, Mexico together a couple of weeks ago for Club Med’s Food and Wine festival, I made her bring her video camera and her Hotness Lens.

During our local market excursion, we brought along all of our gear because I totally believe when in a foreign country, you can never have enough journalistic gear. Bad people tend to stay away from raving lunatics with rolling video cameras.

The consequence of toting so much gear is that we didn’t blend in.

We title this “Pickpocketer’s Delight”

Along the way, Diane spent all her money on expensive tequila and Mexican boyfriends.

We got solicited by a TON of men on the streets – all these guys kept whistlin’ at us yelling, “quieres un novio mexicano, amiga?” Which translates to “beautiful princesses, your supreme hotness and magical aura of sensuality totally overwhelms me.”

And so we thought that was so sweet of them and ended up opening that $600 bottle of 1947 tequila and squatted on the street, took off all our clothes and did shots with them all afternoon. Such nice people.