A bouquet of vanilla beans…
My yearly supply of saffron threads…
More on the next page…..
Enough to play with all year long…
I’ve always had bad vision, but too lazy to wear contacts or glasses. My rock-star husband gifted me money to get Lasik….and the big big day is tomorrow! I would have had it done earlier, however my eye doc said, “Honey, we gotta fix your chronic dry eyes first.”
WHAT? Dry eyes! Is there such a thing?
Oh. em. let’s see….could it be because after my second child was born, I collapsed every morning in front of the dishwasher and cried so much that EYEBALLS JUST GAVE UP AND RAN OUT OF TEARS?! Oh. My. What a sad, disgusting life I would lead without being able to cry. Thank goodness for $300.00 eyedrops, because I don’t know if I could live without being able to watch re-runs of Ross and Rachel break up in Friends.
I prayed to the Wet Eye Goddess every night for a month in addition to the expensive drops and now…I’m healed. I can cry again – with even BETTER, BIGGER choked up dry heaves that accompany massive drama. My little hissy-fits end up sounding like elephants in heat.
Surgery tomorrow. Which is why I’m posting today. Because tomorrow, I might not be able to see the computer screen. In fact, the doc office made me watch a horrific video explaining all the risks, including the possibility of a freak accident resulting in losing my vision altogether. Which wouldn’t be THAT bad, because then I’d have a legit excuse not to do laundry. And I could hire a chauffeur, personal chef, maid and nanny. I could bitch all day. And TEAR ABUNDANTLY about it.
Well, wish me luck because I’m a little chicken. It’s supposed to be painless and quick. But I can envision that I’d be so squirmy they’d have to strap me Hannibal Lecter style on the operating table. So loud they’d have to duct tape my mouth. And then don’t EVEN get me started on my claustrophobia, novercaphobia, merinthophobia and something-pointed-to-my-eyeball-phobia.
I spent the day with Jeff Houck, food writer of The Tampa Tribune. He’s great fun, especially when we go shopping together and giggle at pork uterus! Today, we recorded a Tampa Tribune podcast which will go live in October, a week before my PBS special airs. I’ll then join the company of celebs like Danny DeVito, Cat Cora, Paula Deen, and Janeane Garafolo who have also done podcasts with Jeff. Is that cool or what? Seriously. This is a guy who rubs elbows with all of the foodie bigshots – but treats peons like me with the same star treatment as Batali, Zimmern, Todd English. Ahhhh….Todd English. YOU ARE SO HOT.
Well, I promise to post podcast when it’s ready. I know….podcast not being live until Oct is lame and soooo 1998. But we had to record today instead of next month b/c of scheduling conflicts. Here are some pics in the meantime.
This is me trying out my “radio voice” which apparently sounds like a cat hanging by its toenails being smacked by a weathervane.
Here is Jeff. He gets to sit in the fancy sound box with a spit-guard in case I bore him so badly he barfs.
Thank goodness he didn’t ask embarrassing questions, like how I whored myself out.
When we were done, Jeff took me on a secret tour. Here’s where all the important people sit. They are watching Tom & Jerry, infomercials and animal porn.
The best part of the tour was sneaking into the daytime studio, where they had a full working kitchen. One day soon, I will cook here!
I decided to try the kitchen on for size and draped seductively over the stove. Of course, I don’t think my show would get good reviews if my drooping tits caught on fire on that stovetop.
What’s up with that loud shirt that screams “Don’t tempt me because I CAN CRY ON DEMAND!”