I was lunching with my friend, restaurant critic Brian Ries of Creative Loafing, and he asked me what I thought of area burger joints.  The truth is, the only burger that I ever order out is McDonald’s - mainly because my boys must. have. that. stupid. toy.  Never mind that sometimes the inattentive cashier stuffs pinktutugirly toys in their Happy Meal, …as if she struggled determining the sex of 2 little crew-cut tots wearing highlighter green shirts with massive dump trucks emblazoned  with the words “HAUL IT.”

Clearly, she must have passed out from utter boredom during McD’s Happy Meal toy selection training.

But can you imagine the sheer delight of my boys when they discovered that instead of  blue stupiduselessplasticjunk, they got the PINK stupiduselessplasticjunk!?!?

Of course, what do my boys first?

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I wrestled for quite a while on what to name this dish. Here were the options:

Chinatina

Chin-amigo

Asia-tino

Chinka-tino

Mexinese

Guapalicious Ding Dong Wing Wongs

In the end, Chino-Latino won. However, Guapalicious Ding Dong Wing Wongs came in a close second.

Ok. So take Chinese Hoisin BBQ Sauce (sweet, sticky, salty sauce made from soy, garlic, sugar and vinegar) + Chipotle Peppers in Adobo Sauce (smoked jalepenos in a spicy spicy chili concoction).
HEY HEY HEY.  Wait one stinkin’ moment here.…look below at the can. Did the company spell Chipotle wrong?!?!?  Did I totally get ripped off with a Chipotle knock-off?  NO WAY. We’re not talking about my $30 Guccie purse or $12 Louie Vuitton earrings or my $22 Channell belt.  We’re talking about sabotaging my Chino-Latino wings.

Chino-Latino Wings

prep time: 3 minutes; cook time 20 minutes

2 lbs chicken wings

sesame seeds

Marinade ingredients

2 Chipotle peppers + 1 tablespoon Adobo sauce (each can should have about 10 peppers inside…start with 2)

1/4 cup Hoisin sauce

1/4 cup water

2 tablespoons brown sugar

1/2 lime, squeezed

1 teaspoon minced garlic

2 teaspoons fresh grated ginger (use microplane grater)

Combine marinade ingredients in blender or food processor. Puree until thickened.  Taste.  If you want spicier, add another chili and another tablespoon of adobo.  Press down on wings to flatten as much a possible.  Marinate chicken wings for at least 1 hour.

Grill on BBQ Grill - 8-10 minutes each side. Note that I like to grill my wings whole.  If you separate the wing joints, shave off a minute of cooking time as there will be more surface contact with grill grates.

or you can

Bake at 425F for 30- 35 minutes or until done (cook time depends on size of your wings. I had big mama sized wings) Check for doneness by cutting into the thick part of the drumette.

Sprinkle with sesame seeds and serve.

Other recipes using Hoisin Sauce

Kalyn’s Stir Fried Bok Choy with Hoisin Sauce

Perfect Pantry’s Asparagus Wonton Wraps

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Guys and gals, I need your opinion again.  I have a new food column with an alternative weekly entertainment newspaper.

Boy, that suspiciously sounds like code for “porn magazine.”

Hmmm….let’s try again.

I’ll be writing for a KICK-ASS arts & entertainment paper called Creative Loafing…the one you pick up when you need to know what’s happening or where to eat in town.  It’s also the same publication that makes pubescent boys giggle uncontrollably at the trashy ads in the back.

Same type of paper as L.A. Weekly. Chicago Reader. Village Voice, New York Press, SF Weekly.  In fact, they just purchased Chicago Reader and Washington City Paper.

I’m supposed to submit a logo for “Jaden’s Steamy Kitchen” and a photo for the column. So I went to Simpsonize Me and came up with this:

(Ok you laugh, but let’s see yours)

Or I could do the whole “BAM!” thing…except I think I’d need to Chinkify it to Whhapppaaaachhhhaaa!!

(No, those are NOT my hairy arms. It’s an old photo of Emeril before he grew a third stomach)

But how about Giada?  She’s got nice boobs. I thought she needed a cleaver and the wok spatula though. Damn. I look like I just slaughtered a pig.

(Yes. this is her. Don’t believe me?)

But how about this - at the request of a friend, here is Molto Miz Steamy.  Although I think I need to modify the shoes - I would much rather have 4″ orange stilettos than clogs. Do you think I need to shave?

Then again, I could go the Rachel Ray route. I shoulda replaced the chocolate spoon with an Egg Roll or something)  Totally. Like gag me with EVOO.

(or I could use any of these assorted suggestive shots of Rachel)

So, what do you think guys? Really. An honest opinion, k? If you have another suggestion, let me know.  Because I really really care about projecting a good, innocent, wholesome brand image you know.

ummm…y’all know that I’m kidding about those photos, right?

You haven’t experienced wild until you’ve lived in the heart of Hollywood. My little duplex was squished in between movie-star wannabes, the homeless pushing shopping carts piled 8-ft high with trash treasures and gold-chained pimps proclaiming to the world, “GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! Right over here!”

The location was by choice and I had a very good reason for living 2 blocks from the golden sidewalk stars. It was called, “just so I can say that I did.” I know. I was young. But seriously, where else can I shimmy into CFM boots, don an electric pink wig and just blend in without getting mistaken for $25? When the sun sets and street-level neon gas flows, Hollywood is pure freedom of expression.

After a night of clubbing 2 blocks south, my friends and I would walk 3 blocks east to a small, rinky-dink Vietnamese noodle shop to fill up on pho. Asian girly posters littered the walls and the same bad karaoke DVD played over and over. Thank goodness the steaming, hot, intoxicating bowl of pho drowned out the awful Chinglish rendition of, “Baby Got Back.” That soup was un-pho-king believable.

I don’t know what secret family recipe they followed, but after all these years, I finally mastered that bowl of chicken pho in my home kitchen, boots not required.

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What’s better than Asian Flavored Salts? A recipe using a flavored salt + a nice little gift from me to a randomly chosen lucky ducky winner (keep reading!) I am notorious for seeing something on TV, wanting coveting, and then coming up with 101 reasons fo Why I Must Have This Kitchen Gadget. Of course, after explaining to husband reason #79 for the fifth time in a row, he usually gives in….not because he thinks I Must Have This Kitchen Gadget, but because I’ve nagged him to death. Poor man. He’s since banned me from late night television. Something about child-locking any channel above 13 after 1 a.m. Prior to censoring late-night infomercials, I purchased multiple dehydrators, juicers, shark-vacs, chopper-boppers, swirly-twirlies, sucker-puckers, pasta-prestos and the Pocket-Rocket.

Oh wait…that wasn’t a kitchen gadget :::blush:::

ANYWAYSSSS…..I would buy these gadgets, rave and rave about them. We’d have fresh fruit juices every single morning for 2 weeks straight. Banana chips and beef jerky for breakfast, snack and lunch for 2 weeks straight. Random items in the household were vacuum sealed. Pureed pea porridge for 2 weeks straight. Verrrrry happy mornings if you know what I mean…2 weeks straight. But after the 2 week honeymoon, I’d bore of the Gadget and it would be moved from Prime Real-Estate on kitchen countertop to Skid Row in the garage.

Well, the other night, I lugged out my Flavorwave Oven Deluxe to make Sichuan or Szechuan Peppercorn Roasted Chicken. OH MY….I suddenly remembered reason #38 - luscious, moist, roasted chicken. I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing this chicken tastes. This has become my favorite roast chicken recipe (sorry, Joanne Weir ) and the tingly dipping salt that accompanies the chicken is quite addictive.

If you are tired of your same ‘ol chicken dinners, then you simply must try this. Once you cook the Sichuan Peppercorn Salt with the bird, it really does infuse the entire bird with all of its earthy aroma and flavors. Even my little kids loved this chicken and liked having a dipping salt. When you get your package of SZP (either from the store or from winning the contest below) - take a couple pods and chew. The tip of your tongue goes numb!! The peppercorn is not hot-spicy at all. Cooking with the SZP tames the pepperyness.

I almost always buy organic chicken now. Its healthier and the prices have gone way down on organic meats. Usually, I visit my small local butcher, The Chop Shop, where they have birds for $2.19 per pound that are antibiotic and hormone free. If you don’t have a local butcher that carries good, healthy chicken, and you are lucky enough to have a Super Target nearby, check out their antibiotic and hormone free chickens - $3.89 for a entire 3.25-lb bird. If you are penny-pinching, you really can’t beat that - its cheaper than a chemical-laden chicken! But please support small, local businesses like the butcher if you can.

I stuffed my bird with ginger, scallions and orange. Of course, feel free to substitute….use a few star-anise, cinammon sticks, garlic, lemon, parsley, onion half….basically whatever you have on hand.

My gift to you: In the comments, link to your most favorite recipe on your blog. At the end of the week, I’ll draw a random name and the lucky ducky winner will get a HUGE bag of Szechuan Peppercorns sent from me…enough to spice the world and beyond. Go forth and spread the love and joy of Szechuan Peppercorns! Yup. Thats how much I love you.

Sichuan or Szechuan Peppercorn Roasted Chicken

Of course not all of you have the Flavorwave Oven Deluxe, which really is just a convection oven in a plastic dome.

1 chicken, organic (I like using a small 3 1/2 pound bird)
1/2 orange
2-3 stalks of scallions, cut into 3″ sections
4 long, thin slices of ginger
2 tablespoons Sichuan Peppercorn Salt + more to serve as dipping salt
2 tablespoons oil

Preheat oven to 400F set for convection.

1. Wash chicken and pat very dry. Tie legs together with kitchen twine, tuck wings in. Generously season chicken inside and out with the Szechuan Peppercorn Flavored Salt. If you look at my photo, I use quite a bit of seasoning, which I think is one of the secrets to delicious tasting roast chicken. The roasting mellows out the salt - so don’t be afraid to have a heavy-hand in seasoning. Stuff bird with ginger, scallions and orange. Place bird breast-side down in roasting pan. Brush 1 tablespoon oil all over the top of the bird (which is the thigh side).

2. Roast chicken breast-side down for 30 minutes. Turn breast side up. Brush breast side with oil. Continue roasting until thickest part of thigh reaches temperature of 175F and breast is 160F. Generally, this will take another 20 minutes for a 3 1/2 lb bird. If using larger bird, add 7 more minutes for every add’l pound.

3. Remove from oven and let rest for 10-15 minutes. Carve and serve with more Sichuan Peppercorn Salt on side for dipping.

I don’t know if you have the upscale Chinese chain called P.F. Changs near you, but in 90’s Los Angeles, it was the chi-chi place to eat…a place to see and be seen, where the skinny, tall and deeluscious hung out waiting to be discovered by producers and sugar daddies. Me? I was an awkward, pimply-faced frog. That was an evening when I had a major case of “why can’t I look like them?!”

You see, I was born with thick, bushy eyebrows….thanks to my direct ancestors who probably had a great use for them. Thousands of years ago, those eyebrows protected my neanderthal ancestors from predators. All they would have to do wrap those thick cable brows around their head, do one of those primal yells and wave arms like an orangutan in heat. Predators would be scared shitless and skamper off. Of course unwrapping the brows proved quite complicated, as they had yet to invent the eyebrow pick or Paul Mitchell conditioner.

The next evolution of use was in the hot summer heat, those brows prevented forehead sweat from dripping down into the pot of horse stew quietly simmering on the outdoor firepit. My great-great grandfather probably was a world-class mah-jong player and his bushy brows shielded him from other players’ discovering his “mah-jong tells” My great-grand auntie most likely used her brows for fanning the hot porridge. My Mom’s second-cousin’s daughter even hung salted fish to dry on her brows.

And now the trait has passed on down to me. Obviously those eyebrows are destined for some great, honorable use, and I just totally ruined thousands of years of family legacy with a an innocent tool called the Tweezerman. I can blame it on that night when I thought what separated me from the sea of gorgeous models were my brows. How wrong I was. I had forgotten about family trait number two. I’m five-foot-two and fifteen pounds overweight.

While I never figured out how to grow an extra 6 inches, I did figure out how to re-create the flavors of P.F. Chang’s dish, Minced Pork Lettuce Cups. I’ve made a similar filling  with ground chicken, flavored by Hoisin (Chinese BBQ sauce) and Oyster Sauce…a little sweet…a little salty and requires no tweezing.

Chinese Pastries with Hoisin Chicken

If you don’t have dried Chinese black mushrooms, feel free to use fresh shitake mushrooms or any type of fresh mushrooms.

1/2 pound ground chicken
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon Shaoxing wine
1/2 teaspoon sesame oil
1 teaspoon cornstarch
1/4 teaspoon sugar
2 garlic cloves, finely minced
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated ginger
1/4 cup minced green onion
1/4 cup minced onion
1/4 cup minced canned bamboo shoots
1/4 cup diced Chinese black mushrooms (soaked overnight in cold water, stems removed)
1 tablespoon Oyster Sauce
1 tablespoon Hoisin Sauce
1 teaspoon garlic-chili hot sauce
1 package frozen puff pastry, thawed
1 egg + 1 tablespoon water (egg wash)

In a wok or large saute pan, heat 1 tablespoon of cooking oil over medium-high heat. When hot, add onion. Fry until onions are softened, about 1 minute. Add the green onions, garlic and ginger. Fry another minute until fragrant. Turn heat to high.

Add the marinated ground chicken, mushrooms and bamboo shoots. Fry until the chicken is about 80% cooked through. Add Oyster, Hoisin & hot sauce. Stir through. Taste…need more salt? (add soy or Oyster) need more sweet/salty? (add more Hoisin) heat? (hot sauce)  Spread out on plate to cool. Tip the plate to one side and discard excess juice.

Take your thawed puff pastry and cut each sheet into 4 squares. Spoon filling onto one side, brush egg wash on the edges and bring over to fold into a triangle. Pinch to seal tightly, place on baking sheet. Brush egg wash on the tops of the pastry. Repeat with remaining.

Bake 350F degrees for 20 minutes until golden brown. Serve with some hot sauce on side!

**Note on Chinese black mushrooms

I always have a stash of dried mushrooms in my pantry. If I know I’ll be using them the next day, I’ll just throw a few in a bowl with water and leave to soak overnight.

If I’m pressed for time, I’ll use hot water and also microwave for 10 minutes (timing really depends on how thick your mushrooms are)

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