My editor, Jeff Houck, sent over a picture of pan-fried Scrapple slice and my heart fluttered like crazy. “Scrapple? Scrapple! What’s Scrapple? I asked him,” and within 30 minutes was off to the supermarket to find Scrapple, a distant cousin to Spam.

Yes, I have an odd fascination with meat that comes in it’s own coffin.

“hmmm…I wonder if I could showcase the otherwise disgusting “meat” in a edgy, fashion-y, Bon Appetit-esque yet appetizinng way. I mean, when was the last time you saw a photo of canned ham and said, “DAMN…that’s a mighty fine piece of ass?!”

While I was there, I went bezerk and ended up with a basketful of “meat” products along with a variety of ingredients to concoct four different recipes. And really. That’s how my “meat” adventure began.

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Before we tie a big, fat bow on this year’s box of ups, down and go-arounds, I‘d like to give props to Spam, the wondrous food that started my relationship with Creative Loafing (the newspaper that I write a weekly food column for) earlier this year when I dared editor Max to lose his spam virginity to me. And yes, I was gentle. I fed him luscious morsels of Spam nestled in mounds of snowy, fluffy, white rice.

It’s not an easy task, convincing people to willingly eat meat that comes in its own coffin, especially after hearing the “STHLURP” as it slithers out and the “STHLUNK” as it lands on the counter top in a quivering, solid, gelatinous mass.

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“Oh no you DIDN’T!!!” Oh yes, I certainly did.

—-(ahem)—-

An Ode to Spam in the Style of Seuss

(Green Eggs ‘n Ham)

Do you like Fried Rice and Spam?

Would you? Could you? In a wok?

Would you like them gently tossed?

Would you like them with fish sauce?

Would you like them cut up silly?

Would you like them with fried chilli?

Would you eat ‘em with a spork?

Would you eat ‘em with with roast pork?

You may like them, they’re not obscene

You may like them in chow mien.

Eat them! Eat them! There they are!

Eat them! Eat them! Be a Spam superstar!

—–(applause please!)—–

Thank you, thank you!!!

Just to add something healthy to this dish - I added organic fresh spinach. Spinach ‘n Spam!

Notes on Fried Rice & Fish Sauce (wouldn’t that make an awesome rock band name?)

Spam Fried Rice

3 cups jasmine rice from yesterday, chunks broken up so grains are loose & separate
1/2 can of Spam, cut into small dice
2 eggs, beaten
2 stalks green onion, finely minced
2 cups fresh spinach leaves, finely chopped
1 tablespoon Shaoxing wine (or dry sherry)
1 teaspoon fish sauce (or soy sauce)
1/2 teaspoon ground pepper cooking oil
freshly ground black pepper

1. Heat cooking oil in wok or large, wide saute pan over medium high heat. When oil is hot, add eggs and gently stir to cook eggs. When eggs are about 80% done (still a little runny), remove from pan and set aside.

2. Turn heat to high. Add a little more cooking oil to pan. When hot, add diced Spam to the pan. Cook until spam is browned. Add green onions, fry until fragrant. Add spinach, fry until softened. Add rice and the cooked eggs and toss to incorporate all ingredients throughout rice.

3. Let it all just sit still in the pan so that the grains of rice have a chance to heat up, about 1 minute. Toss so that the rice that is on the top now is on the bottom. Add cooking wine and fish sauce and stir again. Season with ground pepper. Is every grain of rice hot? If not, cook longer.

4. Taste…salty enough? If not, add a little more fish sauce. But since the spam is salty already, you might want to go light on the fish sauce.