Strange Search Terms

If I ever need a good laugh, I click on my blog stats and check out the search terms that people typed in to get to my website. This is a nice WordPress feature. Most of the search terms are pretty relevant, but some are just tad off-center. So I thought I would take a moment to reply to these kind souls who have landed on my website based on these search terms that they entered, because I feel like everyone who visits my site is a friend, and I want make sure that I meet your needs too.

egg fried rice secret smell: There should be no secret smell to your fried rice. Maybe you’re using rotten eggs? Dishes that you serve really shouldn’t have secret smells. Thats gross.

sperm weird, cod sperm sushi, frog sperm appetizer, fish sperm soup, sperm eat japanese: Apparently i am the authority on all things sperm food. Is this my calling? Should I publish a cookbook, “Sperm…the other white meat”

burger shrink: Thank you, but my hamburgers are emotionally just fine. No shrink needed.

jaden breast: Yes, I know. Thanks for the reminder. I need new boobs. They sag. Yours would too if you had 2 babies in 17 months suck the living daylights out of you.

can’t read directions on frozen steamed: Um….I just don’t know how to handle your request. Have you tried new glasses? Are you instructionally challenged?

horrid chinese chicken: Most Chinese chickens are pretty nice. Sometimes if you get a mother hen who enjoys nagging and bossing chicks around, then yes, then she might be a little horrid. But its nothing that a bottle of gin can’t handle. Thats how the Chinese came to invent the dish, Drunken Chicken.

white stuff that goes out of salmon: I don’t know if this should go under the sperm-related foods category. Maybe the salmon has some sort of chicken pox? Bad case of acne? My advice, if your salmon is pussing, don’t eat it. But how you landed on my site is a mystery. I’ve never written a recipe for diseased salmon.

chinese chicken cancer: Is this like the Beijing Bird Flu? Symptoms of the Chinese Chicken Cancer are: sudden uncontrollable urge to peck at your computer screen, hair falling out in clumps leaving you with a mohawk “comb”, strange feeling of wanting to sit on your computer mouse to keep it warm, and lastly, you wake up at crack of dawn and scare the shit out of your mate by screeching “BAAAAKKKAAAACCCCKKKKKK!!!!!” You need help.