It was a hot, humid Florida Friday afternoon. That means the temperature was 82F BUT the humidity made it feel like 144F. If you dare crack open the door from the comforts of your air-conditioned home to just even walk to the mailbox, you might as well bring along an well-seasoned chicken. By the time you’ve returned from your mailbox, the damn bird is perfectly steamed.
I decided it was a good idea to top the Co-Co Fro-Yo by a Fo-Blo with freshly shaved coconut for dessert. So off I went to the market:
Someone at the coconut company was even thoughtful enough to jump-start the coconut cracking process – it was already conveniently grooved. It even came with a bright orange sticker that had an arrow pointed at the coconut’s butt-crack proclaiming, “<– Crack me open here!”
Duh!
Held coconut in left hand, cleaver in right hand. Started gently at first…not having ever cracked a real coconut before in my entire life, I just didn’t know what to expect….other than when I’m at a cheesy tropical restaurant and they serve me a coconut, it usually is full of rum inside. I was hopeful that this baby would grant me the same.
tap
tap
tap
tap
nothing.
whack
rotate
whack
rotate
whack
shit.
::me – off to the garage to find something more useful than a Chinese cleaver::
AHA! A hammer and screwdriver! So I brought the cutting board and coconut outside to my front driveway. No messy messy in my kitchen!
::me – sitting on ground, legs in front, knees bent, two feet grasping the coconut steady (very gorilla style) while left hand holds screwdriver, right hand holds hammer::
kachink!
kathump!
kadank!
Just a few dents but NOTHING. By the way, do you know how hard it is to steady a ROUND object between your feet while KATHUNKING really hard with a hammer? I was fully aware that 6 inches is all that separated my big toe from the middle of the coconut. By now, I’m already dripping with sweat from the heat and incredible exertion from KATHUNKING a coconut.
::off to raid my husband’s stuff in the garage. I came back to the driveway with an arsenal of assorted tools::
I really don’t know the names of anything other than what I would describe as a pincher thingy, heavy wench, prier-majigger, hammer, big-butt orange drill and who know what the hell that thing is at the bottom of the photo. All I know is that the useless thing cracked when I whacked the coconut with it.
NOT. ONE. SUCCESSFUL. ATTEMPT.
NOW I’M PISSED.
Goshnabbit. If Tom Hanks could do this with gum disease, a volleyball pretend-friend and 4 years of bad B.O….I was sure not to let this hairy twat get the best of me.
“Open up you mother #!$!@$ or else I’ll staple-gun your head….”
You can even see some of the battle scars near the equator – but even under extreme, inhumane torture and duress, the coconut did not crack. Damn thing still wouldn’t talk.
Its cowlick even grew higher and seemed to say to me, “ha! neeener neeener neeener!”
I even threatened him with decapitation by the evil warlord, Delta ShopMaster.
(note to husband……see that nick in the power cord? I didn’t do that. It was like that when I found it. I swear. Also– all those tools in your garage that were birthday presents, Christmas presents, Father’s Day presents…..USELESS!!! Useless I say! Next holiday…you’re getting a juicer.
In the end, I was SO FRUSTRATED, SWEATY, PISSED AND PARTIALLY EMBARRASSED that I couldn’t crack open a coconut that had been “pre-cracked” already. Disgusted, I took the stupid thing to the backyard, threw it on the grass and in my best Bruce Lee impression…..
both hands holding cleaver….
swing up and over head….
WAAAAAHHHHHPAAAAACCCCHHHHHHAAAAAWWWWW!!!!!
HHHIIIIIYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
The secret was that you had to do a primal kung-fu-esque yell while bending it like Beckham chopping it like Jackie Chan to open the dang coconut. That’s all it took!
BUT
In the end….I was so excited about how wonderful the evening was progressing that ….
I forgot entirely about the coconut and it never ever appeared on the dessert.
Did you try this recipe? Please leave a star rating in the recipe card below and leave a review in the comment section! I always appreciate your feedback and I know other readers do, too!
Stay in touch with me in our 
I’m a little late to the conversation, but the best one I like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qG1TixLC3oI
Some islanders insist you poke the softer of the three holes on the end and drain out the water first. The next videos are also fun–
Sometimes, it comes down to Martha: https://www.marthastewart.com/1513538/best-way-crack-open-coconut
Otherwise, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9bXoOa1qTg, and you’ll want to skip ahead and begin at 2:42 seconds.
Now get out there and try it again.
I grew up in Hawaii and learned how to open a coconut from someone who spent time in Tahiti. You can do it in 3 seconds with your bare hands, if you don’t mind spilling the milk.
While I was living in Belfast, Northern Ireland I bought a coconut in the grocery store for ten pence. Next day, I brought it to the lab for tea time. My colleagues asked me, how are you going to open it? Easy, I said, just hit it once in the middle of each of the three lines that go between the eyes. I drained the milk into a cup after punching a couple of the eyes out with a screw driver. I opened the window of the red brick building on the third floor. With the coconut in one hand, I smashed it into the stone window sill three times, bam, bam, bam. Turning the coconut 1/3 each time to strike the center of each line. The coconut cracked and split in half by the third strike.
At that moment, I looked like I knew what I was doing.
That is a story I can really relate to!
Now can you tell me how to open a hubbard (or other large) squash? I use a giant cleaver and it is a major production!
oh boy, this is SO funny!!!!!!!!!!!
I. Just. Died. Laughing.
Why?
I have whipped out the powerdrill at the crack (no pun intended) of dawn for coconut pancakes for the inlaws.
Damn near killed myself.
Jaden-
You’re thinking high tech when you should be thinking low tech.
Forget the power tools, electricity, and all that stuff.
I’m sure you’ve got palm trees down there in Fla.
Go out and get your self a monkey.
They open those suckers up first time every time.
PS: Your kids will love you for it !
I know i’m late, but I tend to do that.
Things that will break open a coconut (Not necessarily still edible, but if you’re on a rampage to open a coconut, this will do it)
1. M80 Fireworks (Gotta go south of the border for ’em).
2. Jackhammer (Helps if you live in the city so you can find someone working with one)
3. Liquid Nitrogen (Idea From Terminator 2), then just tap it with a hammer.
4. Make it sit down to watch Family Guy episodes. The coconut will do whatever it can to be sure that it’s not in one piece after sitting through that miserable, unfunny show.
5. If you have a wood-chopping stump out back, use a sledgehammer (Better wear some clothes you dont mind getting messy).
6. If all else fails: Call Gallagher. He spent most of his life smashing innocent fruits and vegetables, he’ll point you in the right direction.
If you don’t care what it *looks* like afterwards, a hammer works wonders.
My freshman year of college I bought a coconut, brought it back to my dorm and then realized that, silly me, I did not happen to have brought my father’s hacksaw (my normal tool of choice) from home to cut open coconuts with. So, I took our small hammer to it. It worked, although not as elegantly as I might have liked.
I might add that using a hacksaw may result in a set of Monty Python-style horse tack…
ROTFLOL! Holy Cow , how funny are you! An amazing she-devil of a coconut-cracking. And the words “hairy twat” make the story that much sweeter. 10+!
Jesvin – My friend, if I got my hands on a machete like tool the entire neighborhood would immediately evacuate.
But I love the drizzling of honey idea.
We crack open coconuts by holding it in the left hand and the blunt edge of an arivaal (a cross between a sickle and a machete) and whacking it 3-4 times along the equator, rotating it each time. The last whack cracks open the coconut, so we better need a wide vessel to collect the water 😉
The Coconut can be pried open at this stage easily.
While we have devices to finely grate the meat off the shelf, we can also get narrow wedges. The wedges look great in salads and taste good with honey. Just hold the half firmly down, drive a thick-bladed knife with a sharp point at a point close to the edge all the way down and twist it outside. And yes, a complete coconut is going to be a bit of a pain!
Heitz and Evade- My husband has since LOCKED his tools in the garage closet since this posting…including the sawzall and the hammer.
take the hammer and the screwdriver [get a shorter screw driver] drive the screwdriver into 2 of the eyes drain the juice into a bowl save for later
then take the meat cleaver and give the coconut a whack enjoy
i used a vice and a “sawzall”
it took about 7 minutes.
Jesvin- OMG you are so right!!! I don’t know if I’ll be successful with a baseball bat (and the only one I have is a $3 plastic one).
Hi
I live in Kerala, India. The name means “land of coconut palms” and of course they come 8 for a dollar (~40 rupees) 😉
You better try a baseball bat for the purpose.Just hit ALONG the equator. Handling a knife in a sword-attack motion on a coconut is very dangerous. If done wrongly,the knife would try to bounce back(imagine daffy duck axing a tyre). Bullets have been known to richchet off water back to the shooter.
That was the best laugh I’ve had all day. Thanks!
Lovely site by the way.
Thank you Ingrid – your words are so kind and inspiring!
Oh joy! I just discovered your blog and I am in heaven! My goal in life is making people happy by feeding them delicious just like you! (My friends all love being “guinea pigs.”)
Your blog is a treasure trove of recipes and I can’t wait to dive in and try them! I am fond of all sorts of cuisines, but asian food is especially dear to my heart. My parents lived in the far east for much of their lives – and I learned to cook a 40 course Indonesian Riijsttafel before I could make macaroni and cheese!
Oh dear, now I am going to have to cook even more to make up to my dear husband all the time I will be on the computer exploring your blog! 😉
I’m waiting for round 2.
Jaden vs Ostrich Egg.
I’m a bit late and still catching up but glad to see that you made all those dishes! Yum! Heheh – glad to see that you got the coconut open in the end! Reminds me of the time that I tried to get a can of tuna open and the little metal catch thing broke and I had to use a hammer and screwdriver to get into the can!
That’s too funny. I used to crack open coconut with a parang 🙂 when I was a little girl and sit on a long thing with a spike at the end and grind the coconut.
Bake them at about 350 for maybe 5-10 minutes then cool. The shell becomes insanely brittle then.
If they are pre-grooved, the shell will practically fall off in two parts. The meat releases just enough moisture to make the shell fall off.
There won’t be enough heat to cook the meat.
Jaden, clearly it’s time for a theme song and a video blog. LOL
Jaden,
You “crack” me up. Bwhahaha! See? You could have just used my bad puns to open your coconut instead. 😉
I’m glad Friday night went so well. How could it not? You’re such a goddess in the kitchen!
Funny thoughts about the Jackie Chan impression on cracking the coconut! Thank god i didn’t buy the coconut i saw today at the organic store! I would have probably taken it to Ian’s studio and used a hacksaw! Or, is that what it’s called? lol.
This really brought back memories of nearly slicing my finger off once as a child. Why I was left alone, in the house, with the knives, at the tender age of 6 I cannot recall. Somehow I got it in my head that it would be a good idea to open a coconut with a knife. This of course did not work and I stabbed myself pretty badly. These days I find cursing and bludgeoning with a hammer is most effective. Takes a while but eventually coconuts relent to hammers in my experience.
My wife cracked one against the back of my head. It hurt like a bitch, but did the trick. Except now I walk in circles for no reason whenever I think about Aardvarks. What’s that all about? Thankfully I don’t think about Aardvarks that much.
Still, it worked on the first try, so I don’t held it against her.
Hilarious! I guess next time an infomercial offers an easy coconut cracking device you’re snapping it up. Maybe it could double as an exercise gadget, too.
Jaden & Mercedes, no, really. A coconut is really tough, ten times worse than a durian — unless you have the right big killer knife.
I once tried to open a young de-husked coconut after draining its delicious juice. Used a hammer but the dang tool just bounced back from the unharmed grinning nut.
Dropping it from the second storey sounds like a great idea, but would’ve to cordon off the area for safety concerns, naturally. 😉
Ro- if I had to scale a tree to get my own dang coconut…well… i think it would be a an obscene sight.
Kate- Yeah, I found out it was a sprinkler thingy AFTER I broke it. Maybe I shoulda read the BIG words “Gentle Shower” on the side.
Marvin- Alton Brown’s method is JUST as lame as what I went throught. Put a coconut in the oven?! wtf?!
Veronica- thanks girlfriend. now I can’t get the theme song of Kung Fu Hustle out of my head.
Laura- I heard that we should ditch the drill and buy a machete instead
Banzai- just wait until I bust out my coconut numb-chucks.
Jeff- such demanding copy editors! sheesh! isn’t “twat” part of their repertoire of colorful words?
LPC- to the rescue!
Katt- thank you! come back and visit soon!
Mercedes- I hang my head in shame. I have failed you my Asian sistas.
EastMeetsWest- I don’t know if I’d do it again. So much work!
Ellie- charming is my middle name…
LOL! You’re a nutbag and I loves ya! This is seriously the funniest thing I have read in the past few weeks, and I’m glad that the coconut eventually succumbed to your…uhh…charms 😉
You crack me up!!!
You finally crack that coconut in half, and that’s what counts. Bravo Sista!!!
Oh how this made me laugh! Aren’t you Asian, aren’t you supposed to know how to open a coconut (jk!) My mom always bought fresh coconut for her coconut cakes, and we would drop it out of the 2nd story window onto a towel laid on the concrete below. This was the best part of coconut cake as a kid. And I think safer than power tools 🙂
I’m such a fan of your site. Such great stories, fabulous recipes and beautiful photos to go with them!
This was a great (and hella funny) story. It brightened my otherwise dull Monday afternoon 🙂
Jeff … “hairy twit” should work. 😉
I considered using this post as a sidebar to the story, but I doubt I can get “hairy twat” past the copy desk.
Unless I capitalize the H and T and turn hairy into a Harry.
But that would be too much artistic license.
Great story.
Now you have powerful coconut-fu (plus they phear you!).
I occasionally have the urge to make curry using fresh coconut, but haven’t indulged yet. When I do, though, I’ve been told to put the thing in a heavy-duty ziploc bag, and ceremoniously toss it off my balcony railing onto the pavement below: voila, coconut shards.
Of course at that point the milk is pretty useless, as it’s been thoroughly blended with the hairy outside of the thing, but I assume the inside would still be yummy.
If that doesn’t work, I’ll need to buy a better drill…
This is too funny….no it’s priceless…ha ha. I just watched Kung fu Hustle for the nth time yesterday so I’m in this kung fu frame of mind today so I can just imagine you doing a Bruce Lee impression – hee!
Hilarious post, yet again, Jaden. I especially like your use of the term “hairy twat”. Now I have more than one way to use that choice of words ;).
And thanks for the link in your “Co-Co Fro-Yo by a Fo-Blo” post. I didn’t notice it till now (I was on vacation when you posted it), so thanks again for that.
Also, I saw an episode of Good Eats recently where a coconut is drilled through it’s “eyes”, drained of the water, and then put in an oven. After some time in the oven it cracks open by itself.
Well, I don’t know about that coconut but the one that I got didn’t even have a pre-cut groove in it, and it took about four whacks with a mallet and screwdriver to knock it in half.
After that, it took nearly and entire afternoon to separate the meat from the husk, but who’s keeping track!? (me……that’s who)
Your story is very funny, especially in the photo of the tool assortment it looks like you have a sprinkler head among them. Chinese water torture, maybe??? 😉
Oops..sorry about that double entry. My pc is acting up!
Cracking coconuts remind me so much of home. You should see those guys when they gotta scale the trees at the hotels to remove the *dangers* of falling coconuts! Yikes!
Uhm, as far as DMBLGIT goes….meh…I leave that to the budding food photographers. I have enough to deal with, with requests for permission to use my pics! 🙂
Cracking coconuts remind me so much of home. You should so those guys when they gotta scale the trees at the hotels to remove the *dangers* of falling coconuts! Yikes!
Uhm, as far as DMBLGIT goes….meh…I leave that to the budding food photographers. I have enough to deal with, with requests for permission to use my pics! 🙂
BBO- Not as shocking as the look on my husband’s face when he saw this post – he no likey me mess with his tools
Kitcheninhalfcups- You’re totally right. I COULDN’T LET IT GO. Had to crack that coconut even if it meant buying a jackhammer
Steeped- don’t know if its worth the struggle yet – its stillin my refrig
Tiger- the grass got a nice refreshing cocktail
JoJo- I think I am totally traumatized by the whole thing.
Kitt- power drill did NOT work – I tried so hard! but then again, I may have mixed up the power drill with the electric screwdriver thing.
Retno- Yes i did!
Kat- I’m not such a baker, but I can freeze really well. Thinking ice cream
Lydia- HOw come the hammer didn’t work for me?! ::SNIFF::
Kalyn- thanks girlfriend!
LPC- my husband keeps sharp objects like machetes hidden, locked away from my mischeivious little mind.
Ady- thank you!
Amy- thank goodness it only look an hour
Garrett- very twighlight zone-ish
Melinda- Inept is just the grown-up word for DORK!
Sarah- I have one of those rasp/planer things too – I use it all the time. Since husband doesn’t really do much woodwork, he still doesn’t know I have it.
Nora- where was your 75 yr old grandma when I needed her?!?!?
JEP- no, I want you to go buy a fresh coconut….and try to open it. I want to feel like I’m not the only one in the world who couldn’t open one!
Karen- Take that coconut and RUN girl! RUN FAR!!! ditch it and go to the store and get frozen coco-meat instead.
Coffee- I’ll have to start posting warning labels before each post…kinda like when you enter po rn sites they make you click on “Yes I’m Over 18” = well my site will have “Yes I Can Laugh Freely. and Yes I Don’t Mind That the Word TWAT Appears On My Screen”
Zoomie- the little juice that I collected was a little sour.
WMW- shall that be my tagline…Jaden, the sexylicious dork
Lucy- Well, husband sure didn’t think so.
Argus- hmmmm…..I don’t normally think that power tools make great bed toys…but maybe…just maybe….
Ooo… your husband’s tools look wicked. Hope he doesn’t use ’em on you. At least not too often. 😉
Loved that your coconut looked handsome & perfect in the first picture and slightly haggard/harassed/battle-scarred in the subsequent ones.
Malaysians laughed and laughed at silly Tom Hanks in ‘Castaway’ coz he didn’t remove the dang husk first (not thinking about the reason for the husk in the first place). We have a special big knife for opening coconuts; it’s called a parang. It’s also for chopping away jungle brush and running amok with.
But jokes aside, you’re right. A coconut is a tough nut to crack.
Now that’s a great use of power tools.
Well, you are one sexy dork then (eh, that’s an oxymoron!)! Thanks for the laugh!
All that effort for coconut – it’s not that great, anyway! Kinda grainy, although I’ll admit the fresh stuff is far better than the nasty shreds in the package. Hilarious post – I laughed all the way through!
i mean *here* 😛
I hear by swear not to open your blog when I am work since I end up attracting a lot of attention with LOL!!! 😉
Wonderful post there…… and waiting to see how your day went while the photographer was photographing the photographer, photographing the food! 😉
What a great post – hilarious!
I have a coconut languishing in my fruit drawer, and now I know why.
I wish I could’ve been at your table for a sample…
I have never bought a fresh coconut & now after reading this post, doubt I wll—ha! Absolutely love your blog!
I’m impressed by all your tools! I haven’t had much luck trying to crack a coconut. The embarassing part is that my 75-year-old grandma ended up rescuing me each time! Apparently it’s about skill and not strength….yah, whateveeer…. 😉
p/s: looking forward to reading the articile you mentioned.
I do totally love that you had to raid your husbands tools for a useful item to crack the coconut open with. I think you might have had an overly stubborn one though, I dont recall them being that tough!
One of my favorite kitchen tools was originally a garage tool; the fancy zester with a handle is nothing more than a planer.
Steamy you are not a dork… You are inept!
I am not an expert on coconut opening but have just pierced the eyes and drain the coconut milk and for some reason the coconut cracks open better with the hammer.
But it is a better and hilarious story with you having the coconut in the vice which is very Wilde Coyote’esque!
.
I always have the store i purchase the coconut from open it for me. It’s just easier. i also feel ya on the getting photographed, while getting photographed. it’s very very odd… like you’re breaking some weird cosmic law.
Lol! Glad to see you got the coconut finally open. 😀
Hi Jaden your posts are so beautifull and nice!!!!
I’m laughing all the time
I have video of me videotaping Chef Dennis of Kotu Buko being photographed by a Toledo Blade photograher whose co-worker was videotaping her … There was once an episode of some sitcom where they were doing a documentary called “The Making of The Making of Titanic”. Great footage of a real James Cameron in the catering line saying silly everyday things with a camera pointed at him …
Have you ever watched “Survivor”? Get yerself to the camping store, get a machete, make sure it gets nice and sharp. Put the coconut on a stump (cinderblock, patio stone, etc.), raise the machete over your head, plant it firmly in the coconut. Raise machete over your head with the coconut firmly attached, and SLAM … it’s open!
Me, I still need to get a machete …
BTW, the thing in the bottom of the pne photo is the nozzle for a garden hose. I hope you were kidding! 😉
I am laughing at the thought of Jeff photographing the photographer photographing you photographing the food! I guess when it comes down to it, it all starts with the food. Your food always looks just lip-smacking good!
I’m giggling! I’ve definitely taken a hammer to coconuts more than once. Looking forward to seeing the article.
what an adventure! I see a coconut cake or macaroons in the making 😉
Waaww! The coconut has been operated by so many tools. Did you use all of them?
I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing with you.
I wonder if a power drill would have done the trick. Moot speculation, I know. I’m glad the primal method worked!
wow! all those tools gave me a flashback ! except that i can’t remember what i used or how i managed to open those coco-orbs-from-hell because it was so traumatic that my mind has blotted it out !!
That’s the best “pugilistic” way to “kill” the coconut, lady! Where did the juice go ? As “nutrients” to the grass ? Hahhahh
Haha, well, it looks delectable! Was it worth the struggle? (I’ve never had fresh coconut before.)
There’s something about cracking coconut stories! It does become a total challenge you just can’t let go. This was a really good one. And then you didn’t use it . . . and they are so good fresh.
Oh my God!….. That was really shocking. 🙂